OMG!

I have just returned from a trip to Hell-Mart.  You know the one.  I think about every town has one.  Its the place that starts with Wal and ends with you wondering what YOU did to piss GOD off that day.  Yea, that’s the one….  Well, I had to go get groceries TODAY.  I have been putting it off since Monday (ask Kim) and there was just no getting around it.  I HAD TO GO.

You know that old saying, when it rains it pours?  Well, I’m here to tell ya it’s been POURING here for 2 days!  I’m truthin I swear! See..

So I’m in Hell-Mart, all alone mind you.  Hubby decided he was going to get some sleep before class.  Cant blame him either.  He works 2 jobs and goes to school FULL TIME, so when the man wants sleep.. well I gotta wuss out and let him. *sigh* 

Anyway…

So I have my handy list that I made out BEFORE COFFEE this morning.  WHY before coffee? BECAUSE THERE WAS NONE!!!!  NONE!  I HAD NO DAMN COFFEE!!  Do you REALIZE what a bad start to the day that is?  OMG!   [side note.. much like a crack addict jonesing for a fix, I DID reheat some of yesterdays left over coffee.   NOTE TO SELF, just because it SMELLS the same, lest ye not be fooled!]

BOTH of my kids HURRIED out the door for the bus this morning.  You know what I’m saying?  Bub said, “You out of coffee mom?”   I gave him the look.  You know the one.  He then said while taking 2 steps back.  “Sis, I think we should just eat breakfast at school, lets go on to the bus stop.” hehehehe!!!  First time those turds have been ON TIME in nearly 2 weeks!

Focus momma, FOCUS……

So I’m meandering thru the isles at Hell-Mart looking squinty eyed at my damn near illegible list, when I realize I do NOT have on matching shoes!  How in the HELL did that happen?   I don’t mean kind of CLOSE either.  I mean a white Tommy Hilfiger and a navy blue hiker, BUBBAs NAVY BLUE Hiker!  I don’t even OWN navy blue shoes!!! 

WHAT?  You think I’m making it up?  Look at this shit.  I’m truthin, I SWEAR it!

Hey maybe I’ll set a new trend!  the SAD part is, I just looked in EVERY CLOSET, and I can not find the mates to those shoes.  Wonder if Bub is Dork Dancin’ down the halls at school with mix matched shoes?!   Oh yea…Today is going to be LOVELY, I can tell it.

I finally get to the end of my list, and am pushing my overflowing cart with one hand and packing my purse and 4 loafs of bread in the other, because they wont stay on the cart, when I much to MY SURPRISE find a lane that DOESNT have 30 people in it.  WOOHOO!  GO ME, Momma’s luck is a changin’, Or is it?

So I load up the belt thingy with my stuff, thankful to be able to make it thru Hell-Mart with NO ONE recognizing me (which is a miracle in itself.  I usually bump in to at least 3 of my Gran’s hag friends, who proceed to tell me for 20 minutes everything I do wrong in my life… anyway…).  So I’m nearly done unloading my buggy, when it dawns on me, this cashier is freakin TALKING TO HERSELF.  I don’t mean a “oh shoot” or something like that… I mean a full on, if I saw you coming toward me I would cross the street, convo with HERSELF.  Again, I look around, every lane around me has at least 3 people in line.  NOW I understand why this one was EMPTY.  This chick is freaking BONKERS.  Now, I’m thinking to myself WOULD it be rude to grab it all and shoot to another lane, but she’d already started so ok, I’ll go with it.  I’m thinking 2 thumbs up for Hell-Mart helping out the handicapped but f*** me all the way to Hell, why me—why TODAY–I think I am going to EAT these damn coffee grounds!

So this loon, who by the way carries on her conversation with herself about, from what I gather, her other selve’s boyfriend who cheated with her friend Misty’s boyfriend, *uhh yea not a typo* she carries her convo on throughout the ENTIRE scanning bagging process.  WTF!  Oh I know that crazy sow did NOT just put BEEFARONI in with my EGGS!   STOP TALKING TO YOURSELF COW!!! FOCUS!!! 

So I’m about to pay, and for once I say a quick thank you to the Hell-Mart powers that be for the little scan your OWN credit card thingy because there was NO WAY IN HELL(mart) I was handing Ms CuCKooCachoo over there my credit card [my luck she would be like RainMans long lost sister, and that 5 second peak at my plastic would be more then enough time for her to take what little bit of credit I DO have left]  - when what did my wee tired caffeineless eyes spy?!  What?  Did you guess an earwig?  If you did YOU WIN A COOKIE!  That stupid sow was talking on a freaking CELL PHONE the entire time she was checking me out!  A f***ing PHONE! 

For a split second, I was thankful that this bird really wasn’t as cuckoo as at first it appeared.  But trust me when I say that lasted less then one second.  Momma, who has had NO COFFEE, flipped out!   Having friends is all fine and good but THAT IS TOO MUCH!  ARE YOU HEARING ME PEOPLE!  PUT THE DAMN PHONES DOWN!  Now there are times when they are ok, walking in the park, sitting in your yard, hell, you can even cell phone shop with a friend.  But when you are Driving or AT WORK!!! COME ON!!!  I marched my fat ass right up to the service desk and let it rip!  I yelled at the csm, ,the store manager, and finally [oh Sweet Jesus, thank you] the cow herself.  I am so tired of that damn place!  GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

OH WAIT.. we’re NOT DONE…
You thought that would be it.. the happy ending to my day?  Oh no my friends.. please… keep reading… Let my pain bring just a smidge of joy to your day.

I was standing there loading bags upon bags into my lovely car.  You know my PT Cruiser.  Momma’s OTHER baby.  The 4 year old car with LESS then 20,000 (16,749 to be exact) miles on it because Momma pampers it so…  Yea, that one…

Well this sow parked next to me, backs up her big ole SVU to leave and without a second glance SLAMS into a shopping cart, which in turn hydroplanes into my BABY!   Im not talking rolling down hill here folks.. I’m talking shoots sideways across two parking spots to NAIL my car!   OH MY LORD, SWEET JESUS HELP ME!  Tears in my eyes, because emotionally, I have had just about all I can handle PRECOFFEE, I start screaming at this bitch to stop. 

Yes, people, take a moment to soak that in.. my fat ass in mismatched shoes RUNNING across a Hell-Mart parking lot in the rain to get this cow to stop her f***ing truck.  OH yea, it was f***in on like Donkey Kong! 

She finally stops about half way across the parking lot.  So there I am, seriously needing to hit my inhaler because A) my fat ass has not RAN in about 2 years.  Seriously. and B) Rain, thick air, smog, whatever it is.. Momma could not catch her breath.   I’m “airless” screaming at her to give me her damn insurance info.  Even the cart guy saw it all and he was there trying to help me breath *freaking out, poor guy*  This stupid cow.  OMG..

Know why she wasn’t giving me her insurance info?  GUESS?  “I hit the cart NOT your car”  YOU STUPID COW!  She drove off!  LEFT!  COW!!!!!!!!!!  The little cart guy, what a sweetie, he whipped out his wallet and grabbed his little pen and wrote down her license number!  THANK YOU CART BOY!   *insert super hero music here* 

So there I am, forced to re-enter Hell-Mart.  Groceries in the car, mismatched shoes, no coffee, and sobbing like a hysterical pig.  The manager, whom I had just cussed out not 10 minutes before, brings me a towel, a cup of coffee, AND calls the cops for me.  Ok, COFFEE… ohhh.. that SOOO makes up for earlier, and I am here to PUBLICLY APOLOGIZE for calling you a “F***ing Pig” in front of all your employees and about half of our towns elderly.  Sorry dude!!!  Yea, NOW I feel guilty.  COFFEE is good.

So the cops come, to Hell-Mart.  Take my report, and then to beat all.. follow ME home because…

uh-uh…

wait for it…

wait…….

….

Momma didn’t have HER insurance card!  OMG!  So I’m freaking out coming home wondering IF hubby paid our insurance bill because I don’t have a recent card and gets this….  since I didn’t have my card on me, one of the boys in blue DROVE ME HOME!  (in MY CAR) THEN when we got here… this schweeite carried in my groceries! OH Muffin Cakes, woo-freakin-hoo!  Did Momma look good today somehow?  I swear this peach was flirty, and listened to my horror story and chuckled and flirty “girl” giggled.. mmmm….  If Momma were only single.. HELLO MRS ROBINSON.. heheeheh!!!

The moral of my story..

DO NOT enter HELL-MART lest ye well prepared.  Oh, and double check your shoes if your going sans coffee.. heheheh!!!

It would appear, my dear Kristine picked a FINE DAY to initiate INTER-NATIONAL LAUGH AT BUNNY DAY!  hahaha!!  Yes people, soak that in.  I, Momma, grand blog hostess EXTRAordinaire,  have my OWN International DAY… so take that you jealous cows!  Do ya like that?!  Do ya?  DO YA!?

LOL…

I’ll elaborate more on my FRO story (posted by the wench) today, tomorrow.  I think this thing is long enough! 

Just so you know…
I was fully prepared to tell you my Fro story YESTURDAY, and beat her to the punch. AND even had a layout and a freebie about HALF done.  When, whilst talking to Kim, my pc must’ve got all excited at the melon flashin’ she was pulling because it rebooted itself!  Yes folks.  Kim’s Jelly Tots are the reason you got NADDA yesterday.  Lets all send her hate mail, shall we? hehehe!!!

SO for your freebie today!

 
no…
not the shoes!
Its the word art Silly!

ETA:  CREDITS!  SHIT!
Those papers are from the Wenchs BLUEBERRY CREME PAPERS

get it here

**THIS DOWNLOAD HAS EXPIRED.  THANKS**

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not share the link to 4shared.  Send them HERE to my blog instead.  I know that Saturdays Freebie Link got shared through a yahoo group. tsk tsk?  If you cant play nice then we wont play at all? KWIM?  So if you like my stuff enough to want to share it, FANTASTIC!  But please share my blog link and not the freebie itself.

ok, I’m outta here!

May your day be waaaaayyyy better then mine!  LOL

HAPPY LAUGH AT BUNNY DAY!!!!!!!!!!!

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