the girls wanted me to blog it, so….

For your viewing pleasure…

Oh wait.  Before you read ANY further I should warn you.  If language offends please do NOT read today’s post.  As in, if you keep reading, I see a f-bomb or 5 in your very near future.   Like within 2 paragraphs of a near future.  Yes, THAT near.  Seriously if you are still reading you are pushing your luck.  I mean it, I feel one building on my fingertips as I type this.  Click the red x NOW or suffer the eye scars!

With that said, if you are still here reading…

Continue on, and take joy in the fact that no matter how shit-tastic your day is, it does not compare to even ONE of my trips to Hell-Mart. *sigh*

the Hell-Mart files, Case # 115

As I sit and prepare to type up today’s adventure for you, I find myself deep inhaling as if smoking a very powerful (though imaginary) cigarette.    I adjust my chair, sip my Amaretto, and ponder where exactly our story should begin.

The Hubs and I sat out on our little journey to Hell-Mart.   Certain this adventure would only take an hour, we’d put off going until nearly 3pm.  I always start supper at 5, so we were leaving with plenty of time.

On the way there, the hubs unloaded on me.  You see, he was upset he was "losing playing time" on that f***ing game world he lives in.  Had he not needed oil and things for his vehicle, I would have kicked his ass out and told him to walk back home.  It’s a damn GAME, get over it!

As we arrived at Hell-Mart, the fact that this trip was not going to be a simple "in and out" was obvious.  In retrospect, I honestly don’t know what either of us were thinking.  It is the night before school starts back.  Of COURSE they were going to be packed.

We decided our plan of attack would be best executed as divide and conquer.  You can already feel this going bad can’t you? 

So his tasks:  his "special" soap (yes, my hubs will ONLY use DOVE bars. LOL!!!) Oil and filter.  Meet me in the men’s department.  Off he went with the buggy and my purse.

My tasks:  pink or purple leggings (so Bugs ass isn’t hangin out on the first day of school)  and a new pair of shorts for Bub.  Hence the "Meet me in the Men’s department".   Finished off with a "Bunny, I swear if I have to come find you I will never come back in here with you again.  I mean it."

From there we would grab my coffee creamer, some dinner rolls, a curtain for hubs’ office, and get the hell outta Hell-Mart.

Had all parties stuck to the plan, this trip would have taken 30 minutes tops.  Ok why did I say "all parties"?  Let’s just be honest.  Had that fucktard stuck to the plan, that HE made, we would have been out of there in 30.

For me, I stuck to the plan.  I got ass concealing leggings for my beloved Monkey, and I picked out some cute shorts for my mini-manthang.  I also got him a matching shirt and some underwear because they were all on clearance and less then what I had planned on spending on his shorts.  So, I stand in men’s with my arms loaded with clothes and I look like a lost puppy waiting and watching for the Hub’s.  How could he NOT already be in Men’s bitching at me for taking so long?  Where o WHERE could he be?!

After about 20 minutes,  I walked to health and beauty where his precious soap resides and he is not there.  I walked to Automotive, where surely he is trying to decided which filter is for his truck, and he is not there.  So I franticly rush back to men’s because I knew I was going to be in trouble for not being there when he got there and he was not there.

WTF?!

So I walk BACK to Health and Beauty, and back thru Automotive, and STILL no sign of the Hub’s.

I went and got his curtain, which by the way was $13.  $13 for one freakin’ curtain?!  WTH!  Anyway, I knew he would not even know where to look for those so I grabbed it.  I also grabbed a few packs of paper because they were on sale and SCHOOL STARTS BACK TOMORROW!

Ok, so by now my arms are really full.  School clothes, some school supplies, ooop grab that picture frame there,  oh and grab that dish detergent too…

So I’m like, well – should I get a buggy and go ahead and get the grocery items.  No, surely THAT is where he is.  He is the one with the buggy.  I’d probably just missed him and he was getting the grocery items.

I made a quick looksy thru grocery just knowing I would find the hub’s there furious I was not in Men’s when he came by.  He was NOT in grocery.

WTH!

Going on an hour and a half now, and I feel my blood pressure rising.   I do not have the temperament to deal with the masses on a normal day, much less today, the day before school, the day everyone and their cousin was at f’in Hell-Mart and apparently needing the exact same things I was needing.

I decided to make one last pass thru Health  and Beauty and automotive before sitting my shit down and calling my bff to come get me.  I couldn’t even check out because he had the buggy AND my purse!   Being pissed I took the shortest route possible and instead of going around and staying in the main isles, was cutting right through electronics….  Oooooh, you smell it NOW don’t you?  ha.

That fucktard was kneeled down on one knee (because he was tired of standing and reading) and was reading not one, not two, but THREE manual thingys about that damn game and…..

wait for it…….

wait……..

HE WAS TAKING NOTES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He was scribbling on the back of a receipt he had gotten out of my purse!!!!!

the Hell-Mart files, Case # 115: case of the missing husband
Status:  husband found, case closed

END TAPE.

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